Robert Pollard manages to simultaneously be my most favorite and least favorite songwriter of all time. How does he do it? Well, he starts by luring you into his world  with shiny “pop-gems.” Once you stumble upon one (and I do mean stumble), you get addicted and want more. There is a catch: he buries the rest of the gems so deep in a labyrinthine maze of shit that you only find them by accident, and only if the minotaur doesn’t kill you first. Let’s Go Eat The Factory by Guided By Voices is not like. There are no gems to be found here, only the constant threat of mortal danger by a deranged man-beast.

I knew something was wrong when they released the first single, “The Unsinkable Fats Domino.” It’s a plodding almost-hit, the frustrating kind of song that plagues Pollard’s catalog, and it’s the best that Factory has to offer. The opening track, “Laundry and Lasers,” is Robert and the boys trying their best to be hard. This is not what they do best (remember “Zoo Pie” off of Do The Collapse?). The rest of the album does not fair any better. Sprawling, meandering, reckless, tuneless are words that could describe more than half of the songs on this album, like “The Head,” and “Spiderfighter.” Even after two uninterrupted, focused listenings, I cannot even remember the rest of the songs.

I kept an open mind about the whole thing, but in the end, I was left cold by the end of my first play-through, wet and sour by the second. I can say with great confidence that there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this album. Nothing. I knew it wasn’t going to be the next Propeller, but I didn’t expect to be this let down. Given Pollard’s reputation and diarrheal prolificness, I don’t know why I thought I would get more from him this time around. Just because the “classic” line up is reunited? How dumb of me to assume such a thing! I hear they are working on another album, currently, maybe that one will fare better. I am uhh… holding on hope… I guess.

The Unsinkable Fats Domino

-Atch

We got hacked about a year ago, and I gave up on writing for this site. I’ve been motivated to pick it up again because of the horse shit that passes for criticism these days. These jack-ass writers never tell their readers anything of substance or value.

Critics are only comfortable trashing things that don’t need it like Nickleback and Miley Cyrus. I’d rather tell the public that “The Suburbs” was the most boring, go-nowhere collection of “songs” since “Neon Bible.”

You goddamn critics are too soft.

Here we go.